07 July 2006

Goal Achieved: Complete Whoredom


Chock Full O' Nutsack: Own the grail of Dear Gregory
schwag, the limited edition "Squirrels grabbed my
nutsack" 100% ceramic mug. Suitable for coffee,
tea, or - Greg's favorite - frosty cold absinthe.
Nab one now from The GregMart!

Greg:

Yes, that's you on a mug. Yes, it says "Squirrels grabbed my nutsack" on the side. Yes, I'm selling them. Yes, for money. But wait - before you start, let me say this: if Satan had given me a tail or the Power of Flight or the Ability to Smell Invisible People, I would've used all of them for good. However, He did not. He gave me a job in marketing instead. Therefore I had to put my marketing skills to good use somehow (he said, bending the definition of the word "good" until it made a twanging sound). It was inevitable. I had to create Dear Gregory schwag. And to sell that schwag, I had to open an online shop called The GregMart. The stupendous comedic power of your elementary school picture behove it. And that item came into my possession through no small amount of lies and world-championship-caliber wheedling, let me tell you. I mean, just look at it! Christ Jesus, it looks like you had to eat through a cowcatcher! Who would believe that picture after seeing you now? Answer: no one. Thus, it had to be made real and public. In short, if The GregMart did not exist, it would've been necessary to invent it. (-Voltaire.)

At this moment, GregMart's sole ware is this handsome ceramic mug with its priceless portrait and squirrel/groin-oriented humor, guaranteed to raise a smile on the face of the most hardened of Human Resources professionals. But as Jesus once said, pricelessness has its price, and that price is Only $12.99!

Certainly in the coming weeks - nay, days - I shall find more ways to capitalize on your - I mean - spread your face and fame worldwide. And you shall benefit! Hundreds upon dozens of people shall pour into Barney's Casino, Rib Shack & Whorehouse to hear your band and its unmistakably sloppydrunkrocknroll stylings. Tens of five persons will meander into Coldwell Banker Village Realty to purchase from your lovely wife Marie even the smallest piece of dirt whereupon you have trod. And you? You will bask in the glory of the buying public whilst sipping your morning brew from a mug which bears your own visage -just like the Queen of England does each and every day!

Yes, I've caved in to capitalism and I'm due a vituperative reading from any passage of Mao's lil' red book that you choose. But at the end of the day, what buys those frilly woolen under-drawers that you love so dearly better than cold hard American cash?

Yes, that's right - cord hald Japanese Yen.

Next in GregguMart! Crazy bucktooth gaijin say Eskwerrus grabbu mai nuttu sakku!

1 comment:

Spanky Buttlik said...

What we really want are the T-shirts with the inscription in
kanjis.