05 November 2005


The view from Obstruction Point in Olympic National Park is
AWESOME. Posted by Picasa


So, you think you so smart, do ya? Well while you were out being a genius inventor, I was off changing the English language for the better. You probably hardly noticed this morning when you got up, but as the day wears on, you will begin to notice minute adjustments in the bearing and demeanor of your fellow earthlings. The chasm between Mulletards, Mediocretins, CorpoDrones, Full-On Stallions and Saints Who Walk The Earth has been closed forever. Why? Because I have cast a great penumbra of equality - a shroud of sameness, if you will - over the quick and the not-so-quick. How? Because I threw a new word into the vocab, and that word is OSSUM.

You may recall that as recently as yesterday that "awesome" was used as a blanket term for describing anything from the sublime (the Glory of the Lord's handiwork) to the mundane (fortuitously receiving 2 bags of Funyuns from a vending machine for one low price). Not any more, my friend. I have changed that forever. Hereafter, "awesome" will only be used to describe events, objects and circumstances such as The Buddha Himself, adorned with a crown pinnacle, seated on a lotus in the vajra posture simultaneously handing me a check for $2.5 million dollars (or its equivalent) and slapping me a high-five.

Josh Brown's game-winning field goal in the last second
of the game was OSSUM. Posted by Picasa

Likewise, events, objects and circumstances such as Seattle Seahawk Josh Brown's Cowboy-defeating field goal in the last second of the game a couple Sundays ago (and the set of {all other events etc. which are < or = That Glorious Moment} on a declining scale ending in the aforementioned Bonus Bag of Funyuns scenario) shall be referred to as OSSUM.

These two terms, when uttered, sound so uncannily similar, that no linguistic retraining is necessary. See how I did that? I reclaimed one great word that has been consistently bent and beat to shit by adolescents and idiots alike, and in the process created a WHOLE NEW WORD! And this act of furtive brilliance was so effective that people don't even know they're doin' it. They're just doin' it! Howya like me now, mister smarty-pants inventor?

Here's the best part. It's already happening. I've done it already. It has taken effect. The language has been incontrovertibly changed. Go outside. Go downtown. Go to a casino. See that guy who just found a coupon on the sidewalk for a FREE side of baked, mashed or fried with his greasy-ass John Ascuaga's Nugget-tastic prime rib? That man is going to use my word!!

The fact that you are a genius but also bear and astounding
resemblance to this man (and I, thankfully, do not) is
OSSUM beyond belief. Posted by Picasa

So here's a little challenge for ya. Let's see if you can use this term correctly for the following scenario:

I recently got a thorough going-over by three different health professionals: a general practitioner, a sports medicine specialist, and a physical therapist. I got checked from stem to stern with the notable exception that I declined a prostate exam on the grounds that anyone who wanted to be that intimate with me should at least buy me some flowers first. So the consensus was that I'm in very good if not excellent health for my age, with the single exception being that on the push-ups portion of the fitness exam, I scored in the "Total Pussy" category. (I'm working on that with rotator cuff exercises. By comparison, I was off the chart on sit-ups, knocking out 57 in one minute. Top of the chart was 35.) All of this was combined with an actuarial exam that put my life expectancy at 102. That's right. I'm expected to go one hundred and two freakin' years before I cack. (Man do I have a lot of time to watch TV.) And I have low cholesterol, my flexibility is way above average thanks to yoga, and my resting heart rate rivals a sleeping bear.

So, dear brother, would you describe that news as "awesome" or "OSSUM"? Send in your answer now.

Cheers, and give my best to Marie.


Ossian said...

So the weird thing is, when I use this new word, its sort of like saying "I Am" which ties it back into the superior "awesome" via that God thing. All this just proves your point further but personalizes it too!

However, just to nit-pick a bit. I find the second-class status of "ossum" preposturous, because if anything I am superior. Something that inspires ME in another is way better than something that inspires awe.

Here's a specific example: When a pretty woman is obseserved, she should first be filled with Oss, then awe.

Now, what about the word awful. Why is something full of awe worse than something awe-sortof?

Anonymous said...

While I have not read the entire blog of Thaddeus Theblogger Gunn, I am wondering if he has mentioned his years as a professional breakdancer, and the grudge he still holds against the Ice Capades for "stealing" his audience.

C'mon, the only audience you had was DRUNK, and the audience for the Ice Capades is not drunk. Most of them are too young.

Okay, I'm making this up.