25 March 2006

God Hates Boners

Believe me, I know exactly what this kid is thinking.


You were surprised to hear that Dad's gonna be churchin' up, or re-churchin', or whatever they call it when somebody makes the Jesus-Jew-Jesus turnaround. Perhaps "making a return to the cloth". Ummm, "a rethinking of one's convictions". "Spinning a philosophical donut", or "pulling a religious brodie", to speak in automotive terms.

So yeah, I guess the diocese is going to decide whether he's naughty or nice, and then if all goes well he'll get his collar back. Probably not the same one, though. I think he probably threw that one out years ago before he went to Israel to stay on that kibbutz. Or maybe he sold it at a garage sale, and then some 13-year-old picked it up thinking he had just procured the ideal age-enhancing, beer-purchasing disguise. I wish I woulda nabbed it, because I would be out there right now impersonating an Episcopalian minister. I'd be preaching all over hell and gone. Cash money!

I'll tell ya, though, the one thing I am glad about is that I'm way too old to acolyte for him anymore. He won't be calling me to ask me to be his crucifer or thurifer any time soon. He's probably aware that if I walked into a church, the rafters would burst into flame.

I swear that's how I blew out my L5/S1 disc - by doing all that kneeling up at the altar as a young acolyte. As a matter of fact, the first time my back went out was while I was acolyting the ten o'clock service. I was thirteen, I think. You remember how your mind used to wander when Dad was singing the eucharistic prayer and the sanctus?

"It is very meet right and our boun-de-ehen doo-hoo-ty / that we should at all times and in all places gi-hive tha-hanks unto thee / Oh Lord Holy Father / Al-migh-tee-hee eh-hev-ver-lah-ahst-ing Looooord!"

So yeah, 'bout that time my mind started to wander, and being thirteen and all, it turned to topics far more interesting than eternal salvation - subjects like Kathy Kuhns from my third period English class, and more specifically the size of her brand new boobies. Needless to say, this thought was sufficient to cause me to crack a woodie right there at the altar rail. This in turn caused me to break into a froth of terror because I knew that in just a few short stanzas, Dad was going to get to the holy holy holy part - the part where I'd have to stand up thrice and show the congregation how I'd turned my cassock into The Unholy Tent Of Prurience and Damnation. So I freaked out and tried shifting my weight from knee to knee, hoping to - hell, I don't know what - deaden the erectile nerve or something. And right then bang! my lower back gripped me with a massive spasm. It hasn't been the same since.

I know this all happened because God hates me. I'm pretty sure Jesus likes me just fine. I celebrate his birthday every year, so I think that probably means I'm a "made" guy. God, on the other hand, thinks I'm a douche for that whole boner-in-the-church deal. I can hear the conversations in heaven right now:

Jesus: "Hey Dad, Thaddeus is getting nailed for taxes on all his freelance work from last year. You think you could maybe put in a good word with the IRS - have them cut him some slack or something?"

G-D: "Thaddeus? That kid who got a boner in church? MY church? Fuck that randy little chump!"

Jesus: "Aww c'mon Dad! Just this once!"

G-D: "You know what? Just for that, I think I'm going to just go and arbitrarily fuck his shit up right now, just for hoots. [God swears, like, all the time. It's true. I know this because I was an altar boy. -Ed.] Check it out. The phone is going to ring, and when he goes to answer it, he's gonna slam his bare toe into the table leg. And then - oh man this is sweet! - when he bends over to rub it, his back is going to freak out! But wait - wait! It gets better. He's going to hobble over to the phone and pick it up, only to find out that it's the IRS - and he's getting audited! OhmiGAWD this is gonna be ossum!"

Jesus: That's some cold shit, man. You're just straight-up mean and capricious.

G-D: Of course I am! Why do you think they call me God?

Yeah, it's probably a good thing I became a nontheistic Buddhist. Otherwise I'd be going straight to hell right after I finish my coffee this morning. And if I ever pull a philosophical brodie and decide to re-church, maybe Dad and Jesus can put in a good word for me.

Cheers, and give my best to Marie.


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