23 March 2006

One More Time For Us Dumb Kids

Somewhere in Pontiac Michigan, a young wordsmith ponders all the
possible spellings of the word "beeeyotch".


Got your email describing your invention (an email which I do not count as correspondence, so you're not off the hook yet). I have just one question: ...What?!

There were many, many big words. What do they mean?

I mean - I consider myself a reasonably intelligent fellow. I wasn't raised in Shackabama or Ohiowa or anything. I was raised - just like you were - in the intellectual heart of the Detroit Megalopolis: Pontiac, Michigan. This auspicious origin, combined with the twelve score and forty sermons we endured at our father's birdy little knee[1], has endowed us with vocabularies mightier than half the tongues in Missouri. This has also enabled us to use words like uxorious and abaxial in casual conversation (with stingingly precise usage, I might add) and has made me the hero of at least one cocktail party. (Dude - I totally got laid for using the term trompe l'oiel once. For real! It was ossum! I was 20! But I digress.)

Again, I reprise my entreaty. There were many big words. Whatever do they mean? I tried reading your description of the product. I really did. But I fell asleep at about the term carbon sequestration. Then I drank a whole bunch of coffee and tried reading it again. Apparently I was still a little dim or a little impatient or a little wired offa my tits on caffeine or All Of The Above because I still didn't get it. So I eventually wound up cutting and pasting the body of the email and making a Mad-Lib out of it...the kind of Mad-Lib you'd probably make if you were a ten-year-old kid who was wired offa their tits on caffeine. Horsies!? Horsies!? Like Horsies!? I must still have some caffeine left in my system. Tic tic tic! The result of my experiment is below. Enjoy.


MAD LIBZ! Product Brief Crazinesses!

The following is a description of the essential features of the [waste]product/[digestive] system. Interested [f]arties who would like to review [a three-dimensional drawr-ing of my butt] should first [sign an Oath of Alliegance to the Dark Underlord].

Keywords: hyper[kids light fires! fires! fires!], energy [d]efficiency, seis[mime] performance, fire[fire! fire! fire!]-proof, [your mom's] mold[y old underwear]-proof, [tiny, tiny bear]-proof, integrated,[segregated, delegated, masticated] whole-building, carbon sequestration [say what?], green [green is the color of my true love's hair!]

The invention is an engin[qu]eered building envel[d]ope system [so you can mail buildings to people? Neat!]intended primarily for residential building applications.

This system achieves remarkable [weiner] structural, environmental and cost efficiencies through the functional [weiner] replacement or integration of the disparate [weiner] components and meth[addeus] currently used in residential construction, [s]ex., stud [You said "sex stud"! You have a dirty mind!] framing, [s]exterior siding, [weiner] sheathing, (separate) [weiner] insulation, (separate) [weiner]ventilation, electrical [weiner] and water [weenie] supply races, and interior dryw[einer].

These features notwithstanding, the aesthetic [prosthetic kinetic] and archi[tech me on the boobies]values and appear[ants in my pants] of buildings constucted using this system ar[abbi a priest and a] completely [nun]conventional [walk into a bar].

Prior to specific inquir[ing minds want to know!], interested [f]arties should [get way]downlo[w]and read the no[-]disc[o]los[ers] document found at [h-tee-tee-pee-whack-wack-dubbadubbadubbadot-kiss-my-round-brown-bootay-dotcom].


Okay, in all fairness, here's what I'll do. I'll actually try to translate all of what you sent me into English terms that everyone can understand. And then I'll put it up here so people can read it. Then they will truly understand how ossum this thing is. They'll be all, "Oh - so it's like a jelly donut that does your math homework. I get it! Sweet!" And we'll be all, "Gzakly!" See what I mean?

Cheers, and give my best to Marie.


[1] EXPLANATION FOR THE READERS: When I say "sermons", I don't mean the "how many times I gotta tell ya to look out for the cat when you're mowing the lawn ya friggin' meathead" sermon. I mean the real kind, like "In Hooteronomy twelve, in the third verse, it says he who lays down with the she-ox will blinded verily be". That kinda thing. Our Dad was an Episcopalian minister for 33 years (that's One Score and Thirteen to you Bible-ish types), so we got the dress rehearsal of every one of his sermons on Saturday, the day before it hit the pulpit. But then he converted to Judaism, and then it was all "Jew" this and "baruch" that. Half of it was in Hebrew and I couldn't understand it anyway. Besides, by then I was all grown up and out on my own. When he spoke Hebrew, I just thought all the Xanax my shrink was giving me had screwed up my ears. But now - get this - he's gonna re-up! That's right! He's re-becoming an Episcopalian! He's busting his collar outta mothballs! Stay tuned for further developments.


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