09 January 2007

Happiness - Now With More Football Added!

Put me in coach! That's right baby. You're looking at a genuine
NFL issue on-field Seahawks home jersey - with my name on it!
If we lose one more guy to injury, I may just have to play.


I know that when I mention football it makes you want to scurry deep within your tuba and feign death hoping that I’ll go away. As you recall, I started a blog specifically to talk about football with people who, unlike yourself, are actually interested in it. But my blog partner, one Matt “Douchebag” Lange, wound up as a guest of the county by trying to defy physics. I told him that it doesn’t matter how much “magical disappearing fluid” you drink, you still cannot pass your car through another car at a high rate of speed. Not on this planet, anyway. On Cartoon Planet maybe. But not here. No.

But this did not deter the Lange.

So yeah, so he wound up with a fancy new pair of stripey overalls plus three hots and a cot, and I wound up short a writing partner. Thus,
All Ghey For The Football hasn’t been very ghey for the football for, oh, any number of months now. But oh so much has happened in the world of football that I simply must expound upon it! And you shall hear it! Into the bell of your tuba I pour my sports-related diatribe at full Qwest Field volume!*

The Seahawks are in the playoffs! And they’ve won their first game! Why is this so amazing? I mean, c’mon, aren’t they the defending NFC Champs? Why, mais oui – however, since sportswriters take a solemn oath not to cover teams based north of 47 degrees north latitude or west of 122 west longitude, it is highly unlikely that you will ever hear anything about the Seahawks – that is unless you have a relative who writes a blog wherein he blathers on about the Seahawks all the time. Or you are a
resident of Norway. So you most likely will not have heard that every single member of the team is injured. That includes the guy who stitches up their pants, the waterboy, and the folks in the back of the stadium who make the hot dogs. They’re all beat to shit. Even a number of our fans are injured. I myself am sporting quite a handsome shiner at the moment. I have no idea how it got there.

Wearing my heart on my chest. Some call 'em "man teats".
I prefer the term "chesticles".

So yeah – everyone is beat to hell. Our QB had a knee sprain and was out for four or five games. Our NFL MVP running back broke a bone in his foot and was out for, like, a long-ass time. All in all, we were without 7 of our 11 starters on offense for most of the season. And then – and then! - all of our cornerbacks got shelled in the last regular season game, and none of the front office girls wanted to take the gig. So they dialed up some guy in Texas who was a loan officer (shitting you not am I), and it turns out he’s a pretty decent player.
Pete Hunter’s the name. They called him in a week before the Cowboy’s game on Saturday and he stepped up big time. After a game that could be best described as myocardially infarctive, the Hawks prevailed 21-20 through some last minute defense. (To wit – the Hawks were up by one point when a snap for a Cowboys field goal was bobbled. The Cowboys’ QB then snatched the ball and made for the end zone only to be grabbed by the ankles and snapped like wet towel, leaving him lips-down on the 1 yard line. The ball was fumbled again, Seattle recovered it, hijinx ensued. Seattle won. Watch the unbelievable replay.)

So that means the Cowboys are out, done, finished,
cryin’ home to mama, and the Seahawks move forward in the playoffs to face the Chicago Bears (ursus chicagoensis) at Soldier Field on Sunday, where they will play on 100% real dirt. Word on the street is that the Bears are favored by nine points and have necks like mighty beeves. However, they’ve also been known to choke like a harelip at the Wing Dome, so it’s anybody’s guess as to how this one will play out. Last time we played them, they shellacked us to the tune of almost thirty points. But since then they’ve been beaten by inferior teams. So. Well. Hell. Who knows.

But I will say this. Regardless of how the season ends, I’m mighty proud of how our defense played against the Cowboys last Saturday. Hopefully they’ll give the Bears a run for their money next Sunday. Or they could get a fresh coat of shellack. Either way, I’ll still be rooting for the Hawks.

Oh by the way – Bears wide receiver
#87 Muhsin Mohammed is the reincarnation of our grandpa Teachout. No, seriously. Hand to God. But more about that later.

Okay, you can come out of your tuba now.


*From Wikipedia.org: Qwest Field has earned a reputation as arguably the loudest stadium in the NFL. Since the 2005 season, more penalties for false starts have been called against visiting teams in Qwest Field than in any other NFL stadium. At one point during the 2006 season, the New York Giants complained that Qwest Field was artificially piping in noise in order to distract visiting quarterbacks from running a count. During the 2005 NFC Championship Game against the Carolina Panthers, the decibel level recorded by Fox reached 137db.