30 June 2006

Sainthood For Calhoun!

Saint Haystack Calhoun
(dba Dr. Brian Graham, DC)
shown here giving the what-for to another
soon-to-be satisfied customer. If you support
sainthood for Calhoun as I do, please feel
free to circulate one of those Internet petitions
that are ever-so-popular these days. I would,
but I'm way too lazy and it's sunny outside
right now. Thank you. -TRG


Okay so while I was mewling and puking in my last letter and saying that I hate my birthday, I forgot to mention one little thing and that is that I actually love my birthday. It's the anticipation of a horrible day based on a long-past event that should've been resolved long ago. It counfounds me every time. As the Dalai Lama says, "Fuck it". And so I shall. (See "Dalai Lama drops the f-bomb" in...uhh...I think it's the San Francisco Examiner or something. Anyway, I was there when it happened. -Ed.)

As an aside, my birthday turned out to be OSSUM, and featured one of the burliest pies I have ever seen in my life. I believe it was Bulletproof Rhubarb or something like that. I think the crew here at work purchased it at the local ironworks. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad pie. Much to the contrary. It was - how you say - robust. Imagine if you will, a tender rhubarb filling - not too tart, not too sweet - armored in foot-thick multgrain cookie, and latticed with an artfulness usually reserved for Islamic balconies. Now that's good eatin'!

And now, on to the digressions:

Sainthood for Calhoun! Sainthood, I say! He and his crack duo of International Health & Wellness Ninjas (Dr. Mark "Drop And Give Me 20" Grovan, and masseuse Sinithia "The Good Pain Train") have relieved an agony so immense, words like "ohmigawdmyfreakin'backjustkillmekillmekillmeplease!" cannot begin to describe it. I was on the verge of letting Senator Ted Stevens himself open my lower spine for drilling until Calhoun & Cohorts threw down the indescribable whammy that restored me to the spritely-stepping youth you see before you. (Video portion of this letter not available in all areas. Consult local listings for details. "Stepping spritely" may not be legal in certain Red States.)

So here's the deal. The Catholics are loaded up on saints, right? And they're unlikely to introduce a new one right now, what with all the red-hats filibustering to canonize dead-ish former pope John Paul ex-post-haste-o. However, the Episcopalians have no saints whatsoever (do they?), at least none that I know of - none that weren't purchased from SaintMart, the Catholic Saint 'n' Martyr Supply Store. So that means there's an opportunity for us to give the Episcopalians their own original saint: St. Calhoun, patron saint of chiropractors. All we have to do is get Dad to don his clerics and ply key members of the diocese with Christian Brothers Sherry. It's a slam dunk, Mister President! Hand Calhoun a robe and and a nimbus!

And speaking of nimbae, it's a completely spotless day in Seattle - 70 degrees and sunshine - which means the hordes of dysthymic locals are pissed to the gills, and the tourists are slobbering on themselves while they power-dawdle every crosswalk and pathway in the city limits. Time to find a rock to sun myself on before the sky slams shut again.

Cheers, give my best to Marie, and have a happy 4th.


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