A Gargling(tm) of the term "deepest secrets" produces this trippy-ass image as a result.
It is rumored that The Greg lives in the basement of such a pyramid.
People:
Greg - as in the Greg, the one these letters are written to, not the noun Greg nor the verb, nor the infinitive "to Greg" - yeah, him. Well -
I have a hard time starting some mornings. Bear with.
Those stupid little questions that they ask you when you build your profile on a social networking site? The ones the writers (or Tom) work so hard to make clever, entertaining, provocative and revealing, yet fail so miserably? Greg tackled the tough ones and came out with - I think - flying colors.
And strangely enough, though his answers were so flip that standing near them would get you bitch-slapped, they are at the same time strangely revealing. After reading his responses, you may actually become possessed of the notion that you know The Greg. In his words:
"Here's my answers to one of those stupid profile question things found on some new social site - I think it was called like "FaceBlast" or "ClusterFuck" or "da.clitter.us" or some shit like that. I don't remember. Anyway, I'm pretty sure my answers will get thousands of friend requests instantly, especially from hot babes. (If by "hot babe" you mean feverish with infection. -Ed.) Check it out."
While less lengthy than the MMPI, the fusillade of questions below is no less probing, and has revealed things about The Greg that few have known, including me. And that's saying a lot, because The Greg lives in my basement. Least he did last time I looked.
Without further ado -
Q. What would you do if no one were looking?
A. Create a social networking group for people who aren't looking.
Q. Who would you like to see on a new banknote?
Q. What should you be doing?
Q. Favorite place to be barefoot?
A. A wading pool filled with those little sausages.
A. traveling backwards through a space/time wormhole. I'm pretty sure.
Q. When you go to a party and someone says, "What do you do?", what do you say?
A. "I go to parties so people can ask me what I do."
A. DEVO.
A. Allow moss to grow in my underwear.
K. So. Here's your turn - and trust me, you don't get one very frequently as Greg and I are seldom wont to let a word creep in edgewise - gimme your best profile Q&A if you dare.
Cheers,
-Thaddeus
Q. Time flies when you're _________________
Q. When you go to a party and someone says, "What do you do?", what do you say?
A. "I go to parties so people can ask me what I do."
Q. DVD or TIVO?
Q. What's the greenest thing you do?
K. So. Here's your turn - and trust me, you don't get one very frequently as Greg and I are seldom wont to let a word creep in edgewise - gimme your best profile Q&A if you dare.
Cheers,
-Thaddeus
Posts
7 comments:
I love FaveBlast, ClusterFuck and da.clitter.us! Tons of “hot babes” on those sites. And I mean TONS!. Since I just completed my profile on FaceFuckClusterBlast and thought that I would share them.
I wonder if I can find a silk Futon cover for all of the babes that my profile beckons.
Q. Describe your dream vacation.
A. It would be in that ply-wood shed that I built in the woods. It’s very Ted Bundyish.
Q. Describe your idea first date.
A. I would lead my date out to the pasture behind the house, there I would have a nice picnic of beans and franks waiting for us. Then we would prepare for a night of star gazing and it rubs the lotion on its skin. Which would be followed by a nice game of tied up in my trunk.
Q. How do you feel about animals?
A. Love them! Especially with potatoes and green beans.
Q. Describe your dream house.
A. A ply-wood shed out in the woods, well out of screaming distance.
Q. If you could have any super-power, what would it be?
A. Immunity
Q. Do you kiss on the first date?
A. Yes, weather she wants to or not.
Q. What are some of your hobbies?
A. Gardening, I like to dig really deep holes, six foot or so. I like to sharpen knives. I like collect duct tape. And I enjoy tying knots with rope.
Q. Describe your style of dress.
A. I like to wear trendy clothes like flannel plaid shirts, coveralls, leather work gloves, work boots.
Q. What message would you like to send to your potential dates?
A. Contact me, regardless of who you are, contact me. I will like you. Want to help me “decorate” my shed?
Greg bless!
Q: Would you rather listen to a Palin speech or dunk your right lower leg in a tank full of baby piranhas?
A: Can I have adult piranhas?
Q: If a bear farts in the woods, and nobody is around to observe, do all the leaves in a 5-mile radius still wilt and fall?
A: Yes
Q: How do you know?
A: It's one of those things you just know, man.
Q: You went to Burning Man this year, didn't you?
A: No, I don't do the playa.
Q: 'Cause you're talking like a burner.
A: You need to mellow out. A long weekend way the hayell out past Reno would do you some good.
Q: If you could do anything to make the world a better place, what would you do?
A: Bait bear kills with Beano(tm). Duh.
Q: Coffee, or tea?
A: Lagavulin.
Q: Jack Nicholson or Gerard Depardeiu?
A: Ew. Just ... ew.
Q: Would you rather listen to a Palin speech or dunk your right lower leg in a tank full of baby piranhas?
A: Can I have adult piranhas?
Q: If a bear farts in the woods, and nobody is around to observe, do all the leaves in a 5-mile radius still wilt and fall?
A: Yes
Q: How do you know?
A: It's one of those things you just know, man.
Q: You went to Burning Man this year, didn't you?
A: No, I don't do the playa.
Q: 'Cause you're talking like a burner.
A: You need to mellow out. A long weekend way the hayell out past Reno would do you some good.
Q: If you could do anything to make the world a better place, what would you do?
A: Bait bear kills with Beano(tm). Duh.
These "babes" you mention, are many of them ungulates? And how many of them have you in-Gregnated with your Greg-ariousness?
You know, I never did see any of their feet, they where always in a shadow for some reason. And I am a gentleman, I don't ball gag and tell.
Q. Describe your dream vacation.
A. Monday through Friday, 8-5, paid, and taking me well into my retirement years, provided the nation hasn't spent my money bailing out the very financial institutions where I've been socking away wages. Wait, what was the question?
Q. Describe your ideal first date.
A. Pure attraction and hot sex.
Q. How do you feel about animals?
A. Love em. See the first date question.
Q. Describe your dream house.
A. Self-cleaning, self-upgrading and free of surrounding blackberries and sly raccoons (who always invade my heezee!).
Q. If you could have any super-power, what would it be?
A. Laying golden eggs (as in, exiting!)
Q. Do you kiss on the first date?
A. You'd have to kiss me way before you landed a first date!
Q. What are some of your hobbies?
A. Screaming in pain on the Brazilian wax table; counting minutes to Friday at 5p; foraging (hey is this thing edible?); and raising two male spawn.
Q. Describe your style of dress.
A. Slowly
Q. What message would you like to send to your potential dates?
A. Too late! "mattress neanderthal" has heeded the call thanks to using a social networking site when others were not looking. :)
Heidi - you raised two male spawn...and lived?! You must be made of iron. Good work.
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