06 August 2008

I Should Be In Jail By Now, Part 1

There once was a town called Nantucket. (Shown here, smaller than actual size.)
The guy with the gimongous schweinstucker lives in the third shack on the left.
Note the wheelbarrow.


Somebody is going to send me to jail. And not just for shit I did. For shit I still do all the time. And I'm not talking an overnighter in King County. I'm talking like prolly a stint in the Chateau d'If. What for? Because I pull
mildly pernicious pranks that bring me volumes of that special joy one can only get from peccancy. And I pull them on a regular basis...in the workplace, no less. And I'm a grown-ass man.

Just what the hell is wrong with me? If you ask my son, I'm fourteen on the inside. That's what's wrong with me.

OK - maybe not jailed, but perhaps fired. But if you're gonna get fired, get fired for something, right? You know honestly, I got fired for malicious compliance once. That's one hell of a Jeopardy category, I tell you what. I even got a triplicate form with that on it, proving my transgression to all the English-speaking world. Too bad I lost it. I'd've liked to have that bastard framed.

But there's been a load of stuff that I didn't get fired for that I prolly shoulda. Like for instance:


When somebody at my place of work is gone for an extended period of time, I like to go around the company telling people that they're in rehab. And when people ask me "What for?", I like to say that "...they got Hooked On Phonics, ate a bunch of phonemes, and careened their Beamer into the kiddie pool. That was pretty fucked up, so the court remanded them to treatment." And then the other person will say, "No way! Did anyone get hurt?" And I'll go, "No, the kids were all inside drinking Scotch and watching Teletubbies. But not the real Teletubbies, the porn Teletubbies - you you know, the TeleChubbies. I think it was 'TeleChubbies Do Manhattan'. But anyway, s'all good."

Now is that so wrong? My old boss seemed to think so. I was all like, you think I'll get fired? And she was all, I don't know, we'll have to talk about that when we fire you.

By the way, I don't work there anymore.

And then there's:


When I first started working at my new job, I noticed that everyone talked at the same time in meetings. It blew my mind. It was cacophonous. I couldn't imagine how anything ever got done. So just to see if anyone was even listening at all, I started reciting the "Man from Nantucket" limerick during meetings when everyone was uber-blabbing. In case you have lost familiarity with this particular limerick (as I know you have a veritable trove of them brewing and at the ready in your noodle), it's filthy. It goes like this:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose **** was so long he could **** **.

He wiped off his chin

And said with a grin

"If my ear were a **** I could **** **."

Did I tell you that a lot of people I work with are kinda churchy? And I don't mean that to be pejorative. Nice folks. But prolly not the kind of people you'd find reciting this kind of filth. So when I pointed out to them one day when we were all gathered in the lunch room that I was reciting this horrifying limerick and that none of them could hear it because none of them wanted to give up the floor, they were shocked. And then meetings got pretty doggone polite. Now "Nantucket" has become a code word in my cube pod for, "shut yer trap, you're interrupting me".

And as a bonus, after these nice people fire me, I'm going straight to hell.

Is that all? Oh, mais non. I've just cracked the seal on this. I have any number of years to recount, and you, sir, shall be my confessor.



PS: The Indescribable Oomph

You know I've been writing copy for nigh on to twenty years. Well I've just met my match. Doesn't matter what product it is, there's nothing this guy can't handle. Whether it's bacon, peppers, or some space-age Microsoft technology shit, this guy captures that indescribable "oomph" that all clients are clamoring for. His ability to provoke desire is uncanny. He needs a $1 to $2 million dollar a year gig. Fuck yeah he does. Check out his inimitable stylings and muscular prose in extra-spicy five-star not-safe-for-the-workplace language:


becky said...

As a friend and former boss, I can vouch for the fact that this is absolute truth. Rehab Gag was a bit of a personal boss challenge. More for the fact that it appeared to have a ring of truth, than because it was totally preposterous. People just wanted to believe it, and the source sounded so damn plausible. I do not know how he pulls it off. Personal charisma, pure audacity, stones the size of tankers? Whatever it is, we sure as hell love you for it.

The General said...

Y'know when I told everyone I was going on a Round the World trip? Well, I was actually in rehab. I just forged the whole 300-page-travel-blog-thing, including the pictures... I'm all down with Photoshop like that.

So, in that instance, you weren't lying at least.

Matthew said...

When re you coming to visit me in rehab?

Anonymous said...

What the fuck were they expecting when they hired the honky version of Chris Rock to write fucking add copy?
I mean, the kid started grade school in Compton fercrisake.

Thaddeus Gunn said...

Oh Dear Gawd, Rock. When I read your comment I laughed so hard I damn near had a stroke. Thanks for that.

Dan said...

please forward that guy's fucking gawdamn resume to realn tworks.

Thaddeus Gunn said...

Dear Dan:

According to this employee review by an Area VP of Marketing right here on Glassdoor.com (http://www.glassdoor.com/Reviews/EmployeeReview-Real_R7773.htm)
Real is not only "the Real Deal", but it offers employees positions in a company with "lots of freedom, a will to win, history of success, patents, name recognition"...and a CEO with a 19% approval rating.

Would my bacon-mongering wordsmith friend (whom I have not met) like to work there? Ironically, they have him working on a LOOK AT THIS FUCKING SUPERPASS SHIT! campaign already.

Kellybelle said...

Squirrels grabbed my nutsack.

I love you.

The icecake fumes! said...

Hello there..Copywriter!

Nice to meet u..and well i am not eternally not sure about what i write when am not writing copy. What can i classify it as :)..so no comments on that one...

Not just for the sake of introduction.. to know more about you... my professional life: i have been into copywriting only from the past one and half year. Now am not working for anyone.. am a freelance copywriter with my own rights.., (kerala, Gods own country)Private life: i take cues from seeimingly illogical things and wonder what i should write about.. lol..just kidding... well.. I write. I travel. I blog. I paint. I dance and well a lot of other fussy combination of no-sense and non-sense things.

Crappywriter... sheeks.. i meant copywriter..!!

Anonymous said...

Hey! thanks for stopping by? I worked at MRM in NY for 3.5 years.. I just left in june. GOD luck with the wedding!!

Keeno said...

damn he's good
he's honest

but the Gunnstar is bloody honest too, and more eloquent

and lets face it, more hardcore!

going to hell? I flipping doubt it!!!

you're going to my personal heavn mate, 'cause you're one of the good ones!
scratch that

one of the best ones!!!!

long live the Theddeus and his genius!!!!!


Avril McLane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Neil Sagebiel said...

Thaddeus: Thanks for stopping by the other day. Funny, I used to live and work in Seattle. I write about golf, of all things, in spare time. Started blogging as an experiment and it turned in to something. Crazy.