23 July 2008


Holy freaking shit! Is that a sandwich!? What sort of life must one lead, I wonder,
that they are amazed by the contents of your lunch box.


We have a really big kitchen at MRM (McCann Relationship Marketing, part of the McCann-Erickson world-gripping octopus), so everyone - including me - avails themselves to it to cook and eat their lunches every day. And every day, somebody or bodies develop an almost preternatural fascination with my lunch. Why? Beats me. I'm not eating shiny rocks or live squirrels, so why anyone would have such a keen interest in what's on my plate is beyond me.

So what I've decided to do is to write down standard answers to the usual questions that I get regarding my lunch and post them here. Then I'm going to have the URL to this post printed on the back of my business cards and hand one to the first querier that pops open their gob (because Wee Lil' Huggies(tm)-Bound Christ Our Lord and Savior knows that I have yet to hand one of my business cards to a client and I want to feel like that tree didn't die for nothing). So here goes. And rest assured, these are
real questions that were actually asked of me at lunch time

Q: Hey, is that your lunch?
A: Holy shit! I have no idea. Let's watch me and see if I sit down and eat it.

Q: You eat salmon?
A: No, I
am eating salmon.

Q: But I thought you were a vegetarian.
A: Was. Still am for the most part with the exception of salmon. Guess that makes me a vegaquarium.

Q: Is that a real word?
A: Oh for crissakes.

Q: But why salmon?
A: Doctor's orders. Seriously. They took a look at how high my cholesterol was and shat a kitten. Then they told me for the third time that I have to start eating fish.

Q: What made you become vegetarian in the first place?
A: I had a dream about a cow that completely freaked me out. Never touched meat again until the kitten-shitting doctor told me I had to. So I've never been so much "vegetarian" as "meat-phobic".

Q: So doesn't eating salmon freak you out?
A: Thanks for reminding me. Can I puke in your shoes?

Q: That's not an answer.
A: And that's not a question. And look! Now there's puke on your shoes.

Q: Why are you so grumpy?
A: Because I never get to eat my freakin' lunch in peace.

Q: Ha ha ha Thaddeus, you're so funny.
A: Thank you. But seriously, can I eat my freakin' lunch in peace?

Q: Are you going to eat that whole salad?
A: Yes. Are you going to eat all the oxygen in the room?

Q: Is that an omelet?
A: Nope. It's a placenta.

Q: Gross!
A: You asked.
Q: Is that white rice? That's weird. You eat white rice for breakfast?
A: Yeah, rice for breakfast is pretty rare and exotic. Only me and and six billion other folks are doing it.

Q: Do you put butter on everything?
A: Just about, but there are some things that even butter can't fix. Like when you make toast out of wood. Or you date a Russian.

Q: What?
A: Nothing.


The General said...

I think, if my doctor shat a kitten, I'd consider finding a new doctor. I mean, what sort of fucked up virus makes you grow kittens in your lower intestines and them loose control of your bowels in front of your patients.

At the very least, it would make me question his diet.

Anonymous said...

That is either "lunches that keep" or "lunch that keeps" but it can't be "lunch that keep".
On the other hand, this is English, in 2008, in America, we're talking about; so I guess it could be whatever you want, which I suppose means it's not actually English but Ameranski.

I just wouldn't want you to get fired for grammar and miss all the lunch time merriment.

You work for a company that markets relationships? Is that where the Russian dating comes in?

Keeno said...

Do you actually say Freakin'?

would you get disciplined in your office for uttering a cuss word?
shitting fuck nuts! That's crazy-tide

(I'm hoping you've not censored yourself for the sake of this blog... do sensitive relatives and minors read it? If so, I'm sorry, and I'm inserting a bar of "Wrights Coal Tar Soap" into my potty mouth as we speak)

I did get a telling off for spelling out a swearword in my office once... having been told off for proper swearing, I thought I'd be ok going "see you en tea"

but even that upset some of the old dears in the office...

I don't know where I'm going with this.

can anyone help me?

ah yes, ok, I shall shut up

lots of love now!


Yokel (TKS) said...

Ah, you're a pescatarian, I think that's the new term for fish-eating vegetarian, which used to be pesca-vegetarian, but in the interest of simplicity (and since people aren't literate enough these days to relate the prefix pesca- to fish), they've shortened the term.

...or maybe, since your partial to salmon, you're a salmonarian? That would be more accurate and accessible for the level 1 foodie initiate, though it does sound a bit like salmonella...