"Time" is right. It's about "Time" they gave me
Person of the Year. Bitches.
Greg:
Didja hear? I got named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. Since I didn't want to come off as ungrateful, I wrote them a nice little acceptance letter. I've reprinted it below for ya. Enjoy.
-T
from: thaddeus.gunn@ifuckinghatetheinternet.com
reply-to: mary_don't_ask@frillypants.com
to: letters@time.com
date: December 18th, 2006 0801PST
subject: Thanks. Now fuck off.
Dear Time Magazine:
I don't know what the fuck you people are up to, naming me Person of the Year and all. Is this some sort of scheme to butter me up - you know, "cupboard love" like my grandma used to call it? Look, I don't care how much you flatter me, no one is ever getting my plasma again so don't even ask. Last year I gave about six gallons of that shit to some fly-by-night outfit downtown, and then I found out that they turned around and made TV screens out of it! Have you seen how much those things cost? I mean, they wheedled me down to, like, six bucks a pint for my juice, and then they turn around and made it into a $6,000 TV screen. And so I go down there to get my share of the dough, and they're all like "We've been closed by the board of health". And I'm all like, "What for?" And they're all like, "We accidentally gave Hep C to like a zillion people." Well, okay, they didn't say that. But they're still a fuckin' bunch of "junkie juicers" if you ask me.
Well anyway, whatever you sneaky bastards are up to, I must say thanks for the cover. As Navin Johnson once said, "This is the kind of spontaneous publicity that makes people!" Now that I'm famous, maybe I'll be able to get into all those velvet-roped places that I couldn't get into before. Like the Oscars. Or the women's restroom at the Washington Athletic Club.
Sincerely,
-Thaddeus R. Gunn
Posts
2 comments:
So I was going through a year's worth of old e-mails (my husband already gives me crap for that so shut up) and I really enjoyed reading your reader bios (especially since I know some of those people and seeing them through your eyes was a kick.) So whats happeninin with all those people now? any new bios?.
POSTED ON BEHALF OF LUKE KEEN:
yeah, I want a piece of the roped off areas too! they look so cool the people behind them, I just
wanna like... touch them a little
bit.. or even breath the same air as them, in a higher concentration than the statistical "you've probably breathed one molecule of air that Winston Churchill did" you know?
oh they're so cool!
drool
xx
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