22 August 2006

Instructions For Life: Ever-So-Slightly-Abridged Version

Research shows that the elderly (pictured above) often spend their autumn
years quietly reliving fond memories of getting hammered and chasing tail.


You know that hackneyed old email that's been orbiting the InterWeb since the UNIVAC was a big deal? The one about how the Dalai Lama supposedly gave a bulleted list of "Instructions for Life" or whatever that read like Chicken Soup for the ADHD Child's - Hey, Let's Go Ride Bikes! Well anyhoo, somebod(ies) are sending it to me again, no doubt in good faith and humor, knowing that I'm, like, all Buddhist and stuff and a huge fan of His Holiness the XIVth Dalai Lama of Tibet. Supposedly this list of instructions comes from a man who is the reincarnation of the Buddha of Compassion, yet if you fail to forward it to 96 friends in 36 hours, your pee-pee is supposed to fall off or something. Conversely, if you succeed in co-spamming a mega-gaggle of your friends, then you're supposed to win the lottery. Or something. As the drawing for the $49 million dollar MegaMillions jackpot is tonight, and inasmuch as I hold a ticket for it in my callous-free palm, I figure why fuck with religion? I can use this blog (Correction: clog. -Ed.) to spam all 682+ of the Dear Gregory faithful.

I figure that also means that everyone on the mail list has to forward the link to this blog (Correction: clog. Ed.) to 96 of their friends, so if you do the math, that means by tomorrow, everyone on Earth will be reading this except for that one guy in Bethel who refused to get a phone and had a honey bucket in his living room. Remember him? So yeah, I figure that'll generate enough mojo to win me that $49 MegaLarge easy.

And will I insert my own comments? Oh mais oui. You can count on it. I can't resist. Feel free to forward those, too.

Here's the email (below) as it appeared at the turn of the 21st century. I call it LamaSpam 2000 for short. Enjoy.


This is what The Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium, all it takes is a few seconds to read and think. (Even less if you're a UNIVAC. -TRG) Do not keep this message. The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise. This is true even if you are not superstitious. (However, it may work even better if you are superstitious. I'm a firm believer in illusionary correlation. -TRG)


Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
(There's a joke about condoms in here somewhere.)

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

(Wait - what was that first part again?)

Follow the three Rs: Respect for self Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.

(Fourth R: Reaving Ras Vegas.)

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

(...but most of the time, it's just a stroke.)

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

(Same goes for windows if you're a burglar.)

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

(...like whether somebody was somebody's girlfriend when somebody else slept with her. Get over it, Dan! Jesus! It's been like 20 years or something!)

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

(So if you made a mistake by like having a gram bottle fall out of your pocket during a company meeting, immediately step on it. I heard somebody did that once back in 1984 and it was a real life-saver.)

Spend some time alone every day.

(And if you enjoy it, you may have a future in solitary confinement.)

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

(...by like, opening your arms when you forgot to button your shirt, and then you realize that you also "forgot" to wear a bra. And then you realize, hey, I didn't forget, I'm just kinda that way! And I'm okay with that! Fuck you and your Puritan bullshit! And then the boys start throwing money.)

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

(This is a very diplomatic way of saying "shut the fuck up".)

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

(Point of contention: I often sit back and enjoy memories of the things that I did that were far from honorable...if ya know what I mean.)

In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

(For instance, "I'm glad you're not as much of an asshole as you used to be" is always a good thing to say to someone when they're homicidally pissed off.)

Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

(Fuck that. Carve a 90-foot statue of yourself in titanium and then shoot two presidents. Now that's a way to achieve immortality!)

Be gentle with the earth.

(Fuck that too. Dude, the earth hates you. It's going to turn you into humus some day. I mean look, the weather tries to kill you every time you walk outside. That's why I carry around a mattick and beat the shit out of the ground every chance I get. And I wear solid iron stilletto heels everywhere. I'm all, "hey Earth, how about a poke in the eye?!" And then somebody always says, "Man, that's the craziest miner I've ever seen!")

Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

(Last year, I went into my wife's closet. I'm sure as shit never doing that again. I got all tangled up and thought I was going to wind up in Narnia or some shit. And that's scary because, hey, did you see those British kids' teeth? Fuck sakes! They're like nurse sharks or something!)

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

(I'm a man. My "love" ganglion has my "need" gland in a stranglehold. I can scarcely perceive the difference.)

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

(I gave up $1 to buy a lottery ticket. Then I won $49 million in the lottery. What a total goddamn failure.)

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

(People who believe that have burns in very tender places.)

Cheers, and forward this email to Marie within 96 hours or your pee-pee will fall off.


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