24 May 2006

Screw The Internet Already, Okay?

Camp Coot-In-The-Woods: you can almost smell the crankiness.


Screw the Internet. Screw it. It hasn't improved anything. If anything it has made life more difficult. Oh sure, it has its upsides. You can buy stuff that you didn't need faster, and porn comes right into your home almost unbidden. Sure, you get to hear the good opinion of millions of people that you might not even pee on if they were engulfed in flame. Plus, you get bushels of email from other folks that you can tolerate even less and would pay American money for the opportunity to massage with an enraged tom cat. Not to mention that the NSA is able to read all your email completely unhindered by any part of the Bill of Rights, and brew up charges of witchcraft against you by using your own words. But aside from all those benefits, what the hell is it worth?

What is it that has my a wrench in my ass? I've been trying to plan a vacation this summer, that's what. I somehow imagined that I could get all my summer holiday plans put together with a few clicks on Expedia. (No, I'm not linking to those squidgy fuckers. No way. Nope. Why? Because Expedia lies like a ten-year-old.) All I wanted to do is get some airfare and maybe a hotel or something down at Crater Lake. Thirty-six hours and eighty-five hangnails later I got dick. Expedia tells you there are two choices: Crater Lake Lodge and Mazama Motor Inn. But because of the magic of the Internet, now every fat granny, weiner dog, and freelance bung-pounder who can pilot a Cheechako Box has clogged the bookings until September ought-twelve. Wanna stay at the Crater Lake Lodge? You're SOL because a retired crap merchant from Delaware named Porky J. Visa McMastercard (+ his weiner dog) has it stolen it with a click of his mouse. This "ease of use" bullshit has made it impossible to do anything you wanna do. It's like living in downtown. Everything you ever wanted is only four blocks away, but you have to drive there and it takes you half an hour. (And of course there's no parking when you get there.)

Hateful Sidenote: I have booked with Expedia in the past. The results? Hotel rooms that share a wall with the roaring counterweights of the elevator. Hotel rooms that look out onto a clattering rooftop industrial air conditioner. Rental cars that either don't work or don't exist. Airfare twice as expensive as I could've got by going directly to the airline. And being misled to believe that Tucson has only three hotels.

Wilson's Cottages are conveniently located between BFE and
Ozymandia in the heart of a vast forest in 19th century Oregon.

So contrary to what Expedi-fucker tells me, there are more than two hotels in the vicinity of Crater Lake. How did I find this out? Total accident. I used a map. Remember maps? Those things with the multicolored lines and wrinkly topographical relief that remind you of gramma's leg after she got impetigo? Yeah, so, there's a place that I found that has been run by cranky old coots since the 1930s, and it's called Wilson's Cabins and they DON'T FUCKING TAKE CREDIT CARDS! Thank you, Jesus. What this means is that in an age where Porky and his ilk can click a mouse easily enough, but would sprain their tongues if they licked a stamp, places like Cranky Cabins has vacancies! Yay! But it's a really strenuous ordeal to secure lodging with them. You have to do things like "call" them with a "telephone" and "mail" your deposit with a "check" that you "write out" with a "pen". Added bonus - they don't have telephones or televisions, either. And you have to share you bed with a pizzly. But it's only one mile from the south entrance of Crater Lake National Park.

So yeah, I'm doing my vacation the old-fashioned way, including the part where I get the kids out of bed at 3AM and stuff them in the back of the car for an eight-hour drive to Bumscratch. I couldn't be happier. I am going to hike the SHIT out of Crater Lake, by the way.

I know I sound like a complete Luddite or Philistine or New Englander or whatever it is you high-falutin' well-educated liberal dilletantes in Nevada call folks like me. (Wait - maybe I've mistaken Nevada for someplace else. Isn't Nevada the place with the maple syrup and the colleges and the Canadians? No, wait, that's Nevhampshire. Nevada is the place with the whores 'n' stuff. Never mind.) Were it not for the fact that Mark Keeney said to me one day, "Hey, you oughtta have a blog", (to which I replied, "Whatsablog?") I would still be sending you these epistles on Crane's 1830s-era 100% cotton rag stationery via US MailSherpa. (Side note: it is because of Keeney's suggestion that I refer to him as The Blogfather.) With Baby Jesus as my witness, when I retire, I am going to completely unplug from this whole "Internet" fad and step back into that magical land that is redolent with the aroma of mimeograph juice and carbon paper. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pick up my flint axe and musket and go slaughter something for breakfast.

Cheers, and give my best to Marie.



pants mcnutter said...

you should totally write a blog about this. i'm serious! think about it.

Kim said...

Ah yes, nothing like the smell of mimeograph paper to get you high during class. Or was that glue? Hmmm.

Thaddeus Gunn said...

Irony is not lost on Sr. McNutter.

luke keen said...

wot wz tht?
write out?

g-zus! u r oldskool! wot ya yooz a 'pen' 4?

haha, like to see you hiking the shit out of the lake! sounds like yo got caught short and had to use a hand full of leaves to clean up with.

ewwww, bushcrap!