14 March 2006

My Ass Will Not Be Moved

Dr. Brian Graham (above, vertical) demonstrates
correct clinical procedure for the frontal suplex
while simultaneously claiming the WWF
Championship Belt.


The diagnosis on my lower spine is in. The word is that I suffer from White Man's Disease. Viz., my ass does not move. In the words of Fatboy Slim, "If dis don't make yo' booty move, you booty mus' be daid". It's true, Fatboy. My booty don't move. It mus' be daid.

Here's how I found all this out. I told you before 'bout how I went and got an MRI and the sports med doctor (Dr. John Robertson who is ossum, by the way) told me that I had a bulge in my L5/S1 disc. Then they told me that they were gonna put weed in my spine to make it stop hurting. Then I went to my chiro (Dr. Brian Graham) and he said "Don't let 'em put weed in your spine, man!" So I say, "Okay, do your worst." So what does he do? He tells me he's gonna give me an adjustment, and then he climbs up on top of the third turnbuckle and does a full-frontal Haystack Calhoun body drop on me. Then he finishes it off with a vertical suplex and a whip-cracking roundhouse to my serratus anterior. I hear my spine go BANG! After that, all is blackness.

When I awoke, there was NO PAIN AT ALL! Dr. Graham had hammered the Love of Baby Jesus directly into my lower spine! And everyone knows that the Love of Baby Jesus is at least 200 times stronger than weed.

First I must say this. I don't believe - per se - in chiropractic. It's not because I think it's a lot of hooey - I don't. I just don't understand how it works. That doesn't stop me from going, though. There's something very weird and satisfying about some guy torquing on you until your joints make a mammoth crunching sound. It's kinda like paying somebody to crack your knuckles for you. Although it has been explained to me a bazillion times, I still don't get how it works. However, I certainly cannot argue with the results I am currently enjoying. Likewise, I would be more than happy to pay Dr. Graham handsomely to wave a chicken leg at my back if it would relieve the pain.

So I went back to Dr. Robertson who said, "Hey man, whatever works." And I said, "You're tellin' me Whatever works. Whatever works like a charm. I'm gonna have Dr. Graham Whatever me right into Palookaville!"

Dr. Robertson did go over my MRI with me, however. It was kinda cool to get to see the inside of my spine. I got to see the bulge in the disc - which is teeny tiny - as well as another herniation higher up which is much larger. It's on the outside of the disc so I don't ever notice it, so that's nice, I guess. Anyway, that is how I learned that my booty don't move. This is how it happened. Y'see, decades of languishing on a barstool caused the disc to become very sad. Then it dried out, compacted and became immobile. It's kinda like Brian Wilson, just laying there in bed all depressed for years, not wanting to do a goddamn thing, just grumpy as hell. And I'm kinda like Sparky Wilson, the Happy Wilson, the one who comes along after all those years and wants to go out and play. So now I'm like, "Hey Disky, wanna do The Twist?" And he's like, "Fkoff." And then I'm like, "Hey Disky, wanna go hike all over hell and gone?" And he's all, "Fuh-period-koff-period." So finally I'm sayin', "Hey Disky, wanna bend over so I can pick my underwear up off the floor?" And then he's totally, "Oh now you really must FKOFF!" And then he stabs me as hard as he can. And then I weep. It's a very difficult relationship.

There is an upside, though. The fact that the disc is about 90% hard means that it most likely doesn't have the elasticity to allow it to bulge further. So I can't see how it can get any worse. You take what good news that you can, y'know?

And speaking of good news, it's time to go home! Yeepaw! I'm going to move my non-moving ass out of this office for the day.

Cheers, and give my best to Marie.



luke keen said...

I once went to a detist who said that for my treatment, he was going to have to clothes line me...

or did he say he'd hang me out to dry?


JWM from Creston said...

You pick your underwear off the floor? All by yourself? And lo, I say yet again, your wife is truly an amazing woman and an inspiration to wifehood everywhere.