07 February 2006

People Are Reading Your Mail

Who am the Gregory? This basalt effigy,
recently unearthed in Mesopotamia, bears a
chilling resemblance to my brother Greg.


It may surprise you right out of your ruffly under-drawers to learn this, but other people are reading your mail. And by "your mail" I mean this blog. And by "this blog" I mean this thing that I write on the InterWeb because I'm too goddamn cheap to continue purchasing Crane's 100% rag stationery ($1.80/sheet) and stamps (five shillings fuppence) instead of burning up 100% FREE photons that are my God-guaranteed right to consume. In other words, this blog costs me nothing, and I haven't lost a cent if you don't write back. Considering the cost effectiveness of blog vs. US Post, I'm perfectly comfortable with putting your correspondence on what amounts to flypaper for the world's eyeballs and letting the everyone know that you wear ruffly under-drawers.

Speaking of postal spies - it may interest you to hear what Christiaan van Vliet, a reader of your mail and Ween enthusiast recently relocated to beautiful Salem, OR (and who incidentally goes by the sobriquet "Glasses Bitch"), had to say:

I really can't wait for the Superbowl to be over,Thaddeus. I mean, when did you turn all ghey (sic) for the football? Sheesh. Every week I look forward to my copy of Dear Gregory for insightful and witty prose, not sports commentary. Although, you're better than George Plimpton, I gotta give you that...

Now I don't care that Sr. van Vliet (of the Zuyder Zee van Vliets) doesn't like the football or the commentary that goes with the football or the fact that I am ghey for the football. I am overjoyed that Mssr. van Vliet actually responded. Which is something that you do not do, save for using the 2-Way Telephonics Device. And I'm beginning to suspect that your story about losing both hands in a fluke accident involving an electric drafting eraser is just so much hooey. If you have a helper monkey like you say you do, then you should stop having it wax your bikini line and teach it to type instead.

So yeah, people are not just reading your mail, but are also submitting unsolicited (but not unwelcome) critiques of the content. Also of interest should be this comment from Tim:

Is Gregory a real person?

So yes, to confirm your existence, you should probably dictate a letter to your helper monkey which I will reprint right here in this space. This will prove to the world once and for all that this blog is an actual correspondence, and that I'm not just using my imaginary brother as a gimmick/motif for my rambling commentary on Buddhism, coffee, poetry, depression, and how ghey I am for the football.

Is your monkey ready? Begin!


PS: You must realize that your response may also predicate the existence of our older brother Sgt. Rock and of course our "tweener" brother John. Viz., you will no longer be able to claim that you are the dauphin, as you are so fond of doing at parties.

PPS: It should be pointed out that I am ghey for the football, but it's Teresa's fault. She made me watch the Super Bowl ecks ecks ecks vee aye aye back in ought two and I was hooked.

PPPS: Although you know that I can go on ad infinauseum about the football, there is no commentary on Super Bowl XL in this blog because it seems that every helper monkey on earth that has access to a keyboard is already doing that. I thought it'd be overkill.

P4S: Every time you respond to this blog, a Jesus gets its wings. -TRG


danny nutter said...

i am ghey for your ossum blog. i am also ghey for greg's helper monkey.

danny nutter said...

i am not ghey for enabled comment moderation.

danny nutter said...

i am not ghey for blog owner approval either, tough guy.

T K Wilson said...

I think it's for more than the football you're ghey, boy.
Nice likeness of me though. I have, however,shaved, stopped smoking and no longer wear that tin shit bucket on my head.
So what's with the enabling of the comment moderation, ey?

BTW, is Christiaan any relation to Don?

Luke Keen said...

hold on a minute...
every time he responds to this blog, a Jesus gets it's wings?

are you incinerating that there's more than one Jesus?
that in fact there are multiple Jesi?

Holy Crackers Thad! you don't half drop some clangers in this blog!!
I'm going to have to rethink my whole spiritual existance now! cheers!

you'll be saying there's no such thing as God next!

damn you

and thanks


Thaddeus Gunn said...

In re: comment moderation and approval. Short answer: it keeps automatic mass postings from showing up on my blog. And there's one other reason. A whole lotta folks, religious types mostly I'm sure, write comments to this blog either anonymously or under psuedonyms that I don't recognize. And mostly their comments are something like this: Poo poo! Pee pee! Weiner! Weiner! Weiner! I made ka ka! HA HA HA HA! You're a dumb ass! Signed, Slayer666. This is my blog, and as such is not a democracy but a benevolent dictatorship. But you know, I might even publish a "weiner weiner weiner" comment if someone made so bold as to sign their real name to it along with a valid email address. That is I might. Such is my caprice. Sincerely, Keyser Soze.

Gregory said...

My Dear Mr. Gunn,

I look nothing like Napoleon Dynamite(Jon Heder). Well, O.K., I used to look a lot like Napoleon Dynamite... were I still 16, I might be able to capitalize on that fact. As it is, I am 51, my hair is now (mostly) straight and gray, my lips have lost much of their mass (as I don't play the tuba any more), I have learned to breathe through my nose, and I no longer drag my knuckles when I walk.

Hmmm... this cgi (common gateway interface) doesn't support hyperlinks... how utterly unsophisticated.


Gregory Ives Wilson

P.S. - My undies are not ruffled. Sorry to disappoint.

Anonymous said...

I am not imaginary and neither is my monkey, who is, BTW, always at the ready.