09 January 2006

We Are So Going To Cream The Redskins


A local family prepares to grant custody of their child
to Seahawks Wide Receiver Bobby Engram as a special
"thank you" for a particularly ossum season.

Greg:

I know that you look forward to my letters as a source of deep discussion of salient matters and gleamingly unprejudiced discourse. Or perhaps you just anchored my blog to your F10 key so you can instantly launch it to obscure porn when the boss walks by. Either way, I appreciate your oblique references to it in your phone calls so as to maintain the illusion that you actually read it.

My half of this delicately balanced charade is to continue in these epistles exactly as though you were interested in what I have to say about that Grandest of All Sports Ever, American Football. [Insert fanfare.] So without delay, I shall deliver my completely unbiased forecast for this Saturday's NFC Playoff game between the Seattle Seahawks (I'm from Seattle - did you know that?) and those other guys with the unbelievably un-PC team name, the Washington Redskins. (Apparently the Alabama Battlin' Klansmen, the Texas Wetbacks, the New York Dagos and the Louisiana Stepin Fetchits were already taken.)


Seahawks Wide Receiver Joe Jurevicius demonstrates his technique
for giving the opposing team a pigskin suppository whilst Tight
End Jerramy Stevens looks on, chortling. Posted by Picasa

Here's my scientific forecast: we cream the 'Skins by about a bazillion points. Yeah they beat us in the regular season by a field goal. But that was only because I wasn't wearing my Lucky Underpants. When I was wearing my Lucky Underpants at the 'Hawks/Giants game (and the wind was blowing from the 300 level directly down on to the field), their kicker missed 3 field goals. See? Cause :: effect. And lemme tell ya, the Giants' Jay Feeley looked like he'd been cuttin' onions by the time that game was over, so I know he was catching a snootful of the magic. This time I will be wearing my Lucky Underpants again, but I won't be at the game. Since I'll be wearing my Lucky Underpants at home, that means that Teresa will probably require me to also wear a Lucky Lemon-Scented Urinal Cake around my neck, so that means - yeah buddy! Double-plus lucky!!

A lot of naysayers, yahoos, nabobs, and poo-prattlers will say that the Seahawks are going to win this game because they're good players. Yeah, whatever. So Shaun Alexander has practically every award in the NFL plus a jillion yard rushing record. So what if we have the top-rated offense. So what if we have pro-bowlers out the wing-wang. What-everrr! Any brainless pecksniff will try to sell you on "stats" and "facts", but I say Mike Mularkey! It's all magic! The team who rubs their rabbit's foot the hardest wins. And this year, the magic is on our side! Chief Seattle is doing the wave in the Happy Hunting Grounds for the Seahawks. Mark my Lucky Underpants. Oh wait. I already did.

Okay, so, your turn. How's your invention thingamahoolio going? Yeah? Oh. Hmm. Geez. You don't say. Wow.

Hey, wouldja look at that. It's 5PM and time to leave work.

Cheers, and give my best to Marie. Go Hox.

-Thaddeus

2 comments:

Pele said...

lucky pants eh?
the subject of jinxing your team and worldly events like the weather never ceases to amaze me.
isn't it the utter heights of arrogance?
I've heard totally rational people saying "you know what, I can't believe it, I forget my brolly (umberella) and it rains! arse!"
so what they're saying is that they, one person out of a possible 5 million people can affect the outcome of days worth of pressure build up/ drop, and temperature change and moisture biuld up in the atmosphere (and whatever else makes it sodding rain all the time)
brilliant!

"danm, I knew I shouldn't have said Man United would win!! I'm so stupid! I jinxed them"

what, your passion for(real) football was so overwhelming as to travel off the couch and through time and space into the minds/ bodies of all the players concerned, affect the wind and grass conditions?
really?
wow, you must be some knda god or something!! amazing


yet we cant' help it. we all think we're mini Gods!
can you tell I'm bored at work Thaddeus my man?
anyways hope the Seahawks win at throwball, is it? sorry, stop and start ball...
ah no..
very-occasionally-connect-with their-football

haha

Thaddeus Gunn said...

Pele:

Y'see, I must believe that all of life is an unfolding drama with me as the central character, otherwise I lose my license to be neurotic. And my kid has to eat, man! I have to keep that thing up to date!

Cheers, Bumpy McCrashball